Curiosonari

Postpartum Depression. It was something I was dreading 1 month before Zachariah arrived. I knew it would come. And because it had been so bad with Emma I feared what would happen this time around. While it’s been painful, it hasn’t been as bad as before. At least this time I had some idea what to expect and was able to fight it. But I don’t think it’s possible to avoid it.

This time around I felt like I had been pulled into the ocean by a returning wave. And every time I would escape it’s hold on me and hit the sand, another wave would pull me in. It takes a helping hand (or 2 or 3) to truly escape its grasp. I’m still fighting its claim on me.

The sleepless nights cause me diarrhea which takes away any strength I have to fight the raging emotions within me. Then I lose my appetite. The thought of food is enough to make me nauseas. I get teary eyed if not sobbing over things that bother me. My feelings are easily hurt. In my case it gets worse because I’ve had a c-section so I’m in physical pain. But because I have a new baby (plus a 15 month-old baby), I don’t have the luxury of resting and relaxing to recooperate. I just have to ignore the pain and push on.

Because I learned so much from last time, I haven’t held Zach “responsible” for this emotional and spiritual pain and so have been able to bond with him much sooner than I did with Emma. I’m also doing my best to carve out time for myself and take walks to a local park with Zach. It gives me a chance to be (almost) alone and think while taking in the fresh air. These walks do so much for me.

I just keep telling myself that this will pass soon and that I will laugh and smile again. I can’t wait…