This time around I felt like I had been pulled into the ocean by a returning wave. And every time I would escape it’s hold on me and hit the sand, another wave would pull me in. It takes a helping hand (or 2 or 3) to truly escape its grasp. I’m still fighting its claim on me.

The sleepless nights cause me diarrhea which takes away any strength I have to fight the raging emotions within me. Then I lose my appetite. The thought of food is enough to make me nauseas. I get teary eyed if not sobbing over things that bother me. My feelings are easily hurt. In my case it gets worse because I’ve had a c-section so I’m in physical pain. But because I have a new baby (plus a 15 month-old baby), I don’t have the luxury of resting and relaxing to recooperate. I just have to ignore the pain and push on.

Because I learned so much from last time, I haven’t held Zach “responsible” for this emotional and spiritual pain and so have been able to bond with him much sooner than I did with Emma. I’m also doing my best to carve out time for myself and take walks to a local park with Zach. It gives me a chance to be (almost) alone and think while taking in the fresh air. These walks do so much for me.

I just keep telling myself that this will pass soon and that I will laugh and smile again. I can’t wait…

• You hate being cold. You’d rather be too warm than too cold.
• If you are uncomfortable in any way, everyone is going to know.
• You like to be held.
• You are a really big eater.
• I think you will be tall. Your feet are already bigger than the 0-3 month sized socks.
• You are a serious guy

One morning your Papa had to drive to work early leaving me at home in a meeting while you were still sleeping. But at some point you woke up and I had you sit on my lap till I was done with my phone meeting. During this time, one of my colleagues asked me a question about the ability of IT to do “something”… so I hit the mute button on my phone and was ready to answer the question when you piped in, “No, no, no”. I could have died laughing!! And I thought, she will make a great project manager.

Your Papa and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30am and got ready for your arrival. I was so nervous! I guess I was worried that things had gone too smoothly. But at 7:58am you came back to this beautiful world safe and sound! You were beautiful. What was remarkable was how much you looked like your Papa when he was a baby. When I heard you first cry, I almost started crying from absolute joy.

You weighed 8lb 6ozs and were 20 inches long. While, like most babies, you lost some weight after you were born, you gained it back pretty quick. In fact, you weighed 9lbs 1 oz on your 11th day!! From the beginning, you were a big eater. Your Nani and Auntie’s all remarked that we give birth to big milk drinkers.

Because we were pretty sure you’d be your Daada’s and Daadi’s last grandchild, we flew them here from India so they could see you minutes after you were born. They were so thrilled to see you. Later that day, your sister came to greet you with so many kisses. I had bought her a stuffed bunny on your behalf, but she didn’t care about it. All she wanted to do was be with you. Then later all your Bati Maas and Papas came. Everyone was so happy to see you and couldn’t believe how much you looked like your Papa!

Puchchu and I are in India staying with his parents. To say it’s a special time would be an understatement. I’ve been to India before, but now I see I really hadn’t been to India. In order to properly experience something, you must stay with family or friends and really “live the life”. Staying with my parent-in-laws has been wonderful…I really love them. They have taken me as their daughter and I really feel I am.

India is working hard on improving life, but for someone who grew up in the west, India is a different world. Right next to beautiful homes are people living in tents or structures of wood that look like playing cards leaning on each other. Trash and dust is everywhere and there is a strong smell of smoke in the air. Your nose hairs feel singed by the end of each day. And yet, no one looks unhappy. Have they found something most of us haven’t figured out? I think so. Happiness comes from inside, not from material wealth. So coming here helps adjust one’s perspective on life and what’s important.

I say all of this and yet there is a charm and beauty about India. The people here are beautiful as they smile and laugh or simply look peaceful. The chaos that abounds on the streets has rhyme and reason to it. You just have to understand the rhythm and be able to engage in the same dance.

We are now in Calcutta and I especially love it. It’s not as modernized as Delhi but I seem to feel more at home. Some of the roads are in horrible condition and trying to drive on them leaves you with sore muscles and frazzled nerves, but you really appreciate your destination once you get there.

The sounds of India are honking horns. That’s the mode of communication on the road. Even on the back of most trucks it says “Horn Please”. The honking is not meant in a negative way, just a friendly way of saying “you are in my way and I’m going to go around you in whatever way I can”. It feels like you are taking your life in your hands when on the road, and yet I’ve never seen an accident. Again, you just need to know the dance.

While staying with my Maa, Papa and Puchchu here in India, I feel like we are playing a new game I affectionately think of as Sweet Potato. As we visit places outsite the house, Puchchu will hold Emma. Then I want to hold Emma and take her. After a minute, Papa takes Emma. And before you know it Maa has then taken her from Papa. But because Maa’s arms will get tired, Puchchu takes her back. After a little bit, Emma goes around in a circle again. The object of this game is to see who can hold Emma the longest before the next person takes her.

I actually remember my 2nd birthday. I know that sounds crazy. I don’t remember details, but I do remember sitting in my highchair in the kitchen with my Mother. She was pregnant with my sisters but I don’t remember that. I remember having a little chocolate cupcake and making a mess of it.

I also remember when my Dad came home from work. It was dark outside. I don’t remember anything about him except seeing his legs from his knees down. But I especially remember going into the living room at some point and seeing all my birthday gifts. How did all those gifts get there?? It seemed like magic!

Most people take stock of their lives and I have to say I’m very proud of a few things:

• I bought my first condo all by myself when I was 24 or 25
• I received a US patent for an application I designed and managed
• I traveled to the UK, Europe, Carribean, India, Cambodia, Japan, Singapore and Australia
• I have a family that I’m very close to no matter what the distance
• I married a wonderful man who is so good to me
• I had a baby that I love with all my heart

Who knows what the future holds. I still have alot of hopes and dreams and will, as usual, do what I can to make them come true. Hopefully it’ll involve more kids and traveling to places I haven’t seen..

But things have started to change. She can talk (baby babble) and has started to reach out for him. When she can, she grabs his hair. So now he comes around her more often and will even give her a few kisses.

The other day I had picked Emma up from daycare (Nanci is a wonderful woman who takes care of Emma) and had put her in her carseat. As usual, Bart checked her out to ensure she was fine. Nanci put her head in the car to give Emma a kiss and Bart sort of lunged for her. I told Nanci Bart probably just wanted to kiss her, so she tried it again. The second time though there was no doubt, Bart was protecting his Emma. He put his front feet on Emma’s chair and started barking unhappily. Amazingly, Emma reached out to Bart and started “talking” to him. I was absolutely dumbfounded by the whole thing!